[This is the first part of a story in my Creative Writing English final that's due tomorrow. It probably won't make much sense without the rest of the story, but bear with me. It seems like something in here should be changed (fixed/ostracized/killed, etc) and I would really appreciate any and all comments. Please help - Deadline is approching with frightening rapidity.
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Note: Hurraas is arabic for watchers, spies, guards, etc. ]
It was raining in the downtown sector of the city Baghdat, an inconvenience which made the Agra-Wazir District particularly challenging to get through, what with all the sunken sidewalks and the muddy, flooding gardens that were a level below the street. Shan Tefur’s boots and the bottom of his long black coat was completely soaked as he stood beneath the looming columns of the Provincial Development Building, the only government building on this street and therefore the only one with a raised porch. He ran thin white fingers through his dripping dark hair and looked left down the avenue towards the Kier District and the general direction of his apartment. He then looked right towards his destination and leaned forwards a bit to glance up a the stinging misty curtain that wasn’t allowing him to see either. He stepped back a pace on the porch and paced angrily for a moment in the pre-moonlight shadows, drying his hands uselessly on the soaking edge of his coat.
As he turned once he caught a quick glimpse of the guards who had been following him since the Academy. They were huddled under a porch roof of some dark house, miserable in water that was probably up to their ankles in the depressed stonework, soaking wet and probably having a good deal of a harder time than he was. Still, their presence irritated him, and he sighed, rubbed a hand across the back of his neck and took a step out from under the overhang.
“Hurraas!” he shouted across the street, cupping his hands around his
mouth so that the noise carried through the rain. Well, they had no choice now that he had seen them and they slipped around the corner of their building and disappeared into the alleyway as if they were just a handful of old friends out for a walk in the rain. They were still going to follow him, of course, they would just be doing it a little more discreetly.
He swore and looked right and left again quickly, pushed his hair back and ran a hand down his dripping face, moving a bit and craning his neck to see down the now empty alley. He turned and walked to the opposite edge of the porch and ran for the other end with the mind to jump far enough so as to get to the area of semi-dryness under the next porch, sunken though it was. He tripped pushing off the edge and landed on his hands and knees in the wide, soaking street in between, bruising his palms and getting himself thoroughly drenched.
He pulled himself up with his long, once fastidious coat tangled around his leg and shin-deep in water, and he kicked the rain-water in an arch of spray towards the main street. Shan saw the movement beyond the rain as the inexpertly trained Hurraas dispersed and spread out, waiting for him farther up the avenue, drier than he and, for the moment, under a porch roof.
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Canary word: Present
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Ah.
This is great. Poor Imp pretty much highlighted everything there, and I'm no English buff-whatever, so I won’t even try. The only thing I have to say is that it's moving a little slow. He's been out in the rain for what seems like an eternity (slight exaggeration), but he needs to do something, catch the readers attention, because all that good writing will go to waste otherwise.
Thank you very very much, Imp.
Where would I be without you? (Turning in a crummy English paper, maybe?...)
I do see your point about the lengthy descriptions and I'll certainly work on cleaning them up a bit. I do love adverbs and adjectives, don't I?
Glad you liked the style/voice - I wasn't sure it was working well.
I did read somewhere (WD I think) that balancing long sentences with short one's enhances the flow of a story - if only I listened to the people at Writer's Digest, huh?
Again, thanks a million, Imp. I hugely appreciate the critique. Too often you submit something and end up with comments like: Good job. Liked it. Long sentences.
I will make the suggested changes. I am hugely in your debt.
An intriguing beginning...you've already raised string of questions in my mind. It's was pleasant also, to read something not flooded in small structural mistakes. You've a good sense of the flow within the description.
But you also tend to over-word some things; and lengthen your sentences (rather like Dostoyevsky 0_o''). As Dostoyevsky does it, it can be overwhelming - but there's no word out of place; however long he goes on, he's always elaborating, saying something new.
Here, for example -- ...ran thin white fingers through his dripping dark hair... There, for too many adjectives. We know his hair is dark (unless you no
te otherwise - he's arabic. And white just drags the flow before fingers.
Adverbs at the end there might be a little dragging as well; you have angrily right preceding uselessly. It's up to you which (if either) you think enhance the image - but neither are necassary.
Double on the probably. And this is an example of the lengthy sentence. But it's only the probably that really sticks out. You might want to try it broken into two though. See what information you actually need. If they're up to their ankles in water - do we need to be told they're soaking wet? Told that they're having a hard time?
I love the feel of it though, and your voice - there's a strong impression of your character, and of your setting.
This would be more forceful, definitely, broken into two sentences. For example:
To get the more frantic feel, you might break this up too. Quickly drags - but maybe because it's not strong enough? (sharply, frantically...)
See what it looks like here --
A little cleaner there, perhaps; consider it.
Maybe a bit long? But no - I like the image very much.
A nice finish - humorous and to the point. It gives in a single sentence both Shan's impression, and the picture of the street and his footpads ill-attempt at stealth. ^_^
All in all, I enjoyed reading it - and I'm curious now about this character of yours and why he's walking down flooded streets being followed. Just watch adverbs (they creep in sometimes when unneeded) and long sentences that repeat themselves. Otherwise, a long sentence can be fine - as long as it's balanced with shorter ones.
^_^ IMP